Tired Song

This is not really very likely of me. I am not into verses. So I never even dared to translate them. I was listening to this song which is one of my most favourites by Aurthohin and I suddenly felt like writing down the song - word by word - I had a feeling that it would make me feel better. So I just started writing the song in a piece of paper. And suddenly the thought crossed my mind - and so here it is. I am already embarassed enough because I can guess I have spoiled the beauty of the song to the maximum. Still .. I wanted to make at least another entry here in my blog in this year. Sharing it with others will make me feel better no matter how stupid it may sound. I do not know when I will be back again and with what - but till then here is something that does reveal my feeling about life at times ... forgive me if it hurts your brain and heart.

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Cant take this life anymore - I feel so tired.
Cant take this life anymore - all the dreams are lost.
Whatever I have, and whatever I dont -
All are getting washed away in rains.
Cant take this life anymore - I am tired and I am in tears.

You are not in you.
I myself is being lost too.
Getting wasted, feeling worthless -
Our love is getting old and in dust.
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling -
Is that raindrop in my eyes?
Cant take this life anymore - yes, I am tired and I am in tears.

My past bids me good-bye.
And my present floats.
Here come the days
And also the craving, darkening dusk.
My words, my music, my rhythms -
All are getting washed away in rains.
Yes, I cant take this life anymore - I am tired and I am in tears.

The night is dark and lifeless
And tired memories have lost all the colours.
Darkness sleeps, so do you
And rain stops falling, storms stop blowing
With the fragrance of the flowers, my song keeps singing.
Still I cant take this life anymore - I am tired and I am in tears.

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I am tired & I am in tears.

Hibernating ...

“Yes, I am lost – lost in work, lost in studies, lost in myself, lost in someone else … I am so lost. It is sometimes a good feeling though … simply situational.”

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This is how I intended to start my next post in my blog. However, as you can realize I did not manage to finish it. I wanted to write about some really exciting things, and some things I was feeling good about. But I lost my mood - and ended up not continuing what I wanted to write.

Yesterday was my birthday - yes, the day I was born. My parents were undoubtedly exhilarated at my birth. I, myself, was too probably very happy finally seeing the people whose voices have given me warmth in the dark for months. My mother has been celebrating my birthday each year since my birth. The only year that I did not have a birthday party was when she was abroad during my birthday, and I remember how sad it was for me and my mom. I have never had a bad birthday. All my birthdays were fun-filled and more or less memorable.

This year, however, it did not make a smooth start. Though I was flooded with calls from my folks and friends since the clock struck 12 in the midnight, I was sad. There is one very silly reason beyond this, and still so many wishes could not make a trade-off of happiness with that sadness. Anyways, because the night was melancholy I decided to skip my classes in the morning. I already had taken a day-off from my office. I woke up with a timid mood, but things started getting better as my best buddies showed up at around 2 pm. They had their treat, and I had my good moments. :) I was at Richi’s place till 6 pm and had some deep conversation with her. When I came back home, I realized I was late and my mom was pissed off to certain extent. Anyways … the rest of the hours were more or less good. I have received so many wishes this year – perhaps the most in my 23 year life – many unexpected wishes surprised me. And right now, I think this year I also had a pretty good birthday – may be it could have been better if it clicked right in a few more way …

Now, this was just the prelude. The original post actually starts from here … lolz. I am actually here to make a declaration and that was simple ice-breaking. The thing is I have decided to take a break from blogging for a while. I do not know how long this break will be. It may be just for one month or one year or even one lifetime … who knows! I will definitely try to make sure it does not prolong. I love to write … so I have my reasons to make sure I come back as early as possible.

Someone told me I am writing only about the pathetic things of my life in this blog and thus manipulating others’ feelings – I am making others sympathetic towards me. As for me, when I was making those entries I was thinking I was just writing down the feelings I am unable to talk about. I was just trying to get rid of the suffocation. It was just a futile effort of sharing my emotions. Now, as these words came from someone whose thoughts I really care and value, I re-thought. I probably am doing that. Though I decided to no longer whine in my blog after my “reincarnation” I noticed it was getting difficult for me to change the style of my blog. I have already tuned my blog in a way and now if suddenly I start writing funny and happy stuff it may just not have any consistency with the rest part of the blog.

So I am going into hibernation for a while. I will come back only when I will have learnt to not write about my being “sad”. And I also think a break may just help me to restart my blog from the middle with a new tune. This blog entry will work fine as a transitional post.

So tchau everyone for some time … I will be missing whoever reads my stupid, sentimental entries and care to leave a comment …

Take Care ...

“I”, Reincarnated …

Phase I

What makes people sad? What makes them gloomy? What makes them cry?
I am sad. I am gloomy. I am crying.

And I am at a loss now because I have been finally able to identify the reason behind all the heartaches that have been troubling me for quite a while. My heart is missing. I know it is somewhere out there; perhaps it is somewhere it should not be and perhaps I know where it is. I am just trying to call it back … place it where it should be – right within myself. Getting something placed somewhere it does not fit in, is not a good thing at all. May be where my heart has fled is not worth of it or may be it is just my heart which itself is worthless. I think the latter is more appropriate and so I am not feeling good about it at all.

After the final report submission on August 2, I thought I was going to have a wonderful holiday. A few incidents before that day actually raised the level of my hope. And like always, I was pulled down to the ground all at once. The things I have done, the pains I have tolerated, the dreams that I have cherished – all went down the drain. Once again I am angry with myself – angry because I am foolish, because I am naïve, because I am submissive.

I am disturbed, I am depressed, I am dejected …
I feel tired … so damn tired … so damn fu*king tired … so damn fu*king tired of my life … so damn fu*king tired of my freaking life …

I wish I could scream out loud and just let everything go. This inner turmoil is killing me. I need to let it out … somehow … I think I will get exploded. This meaningless pain is really being a pain. I know I should not feel bad for whatever is happening or not happening because they were never supposed to be. I have been knowing it in my heart from the beginning and still did not want to believe it. It is my fault all along … I, and only I am responsible for whatever mental turbulences I am going through now …

I cannot breathe … I cannot cry … I cannot express … life can be such a pain at times.
Life sucks, life suffocates ... life kills, life breaks ... life bleeds ... life lives ... and lives on …


Phase II

One small notification mail in my Gmail spam box has changed my whole life overnight. One glimpse at that small, meaningless mail suddenly made me realize something I should have realized way before. Or may be I did realize it before, but was just not willing to admit it, to see it as it is. May be I was just trying to hide from the truth to fulfil what my heart had been aching for.

And now I think I have got myself back – the strong me who had always overcome everything in her life alone, all along, even if a little late. Sometimes the greatest shocks and blows bring in the greatest good in life.

I have found my heart and I am trying to put it back to where it should be. I have finally been able to realize or to agree to realize that caring for stuff that care a fu*k about me is really worthless, stupid, unreasonable – simple waste of my time and my feelings. In the end, it is my life. Why waste some precious moments of my life aching for things that do not ache for me?

On the night of the friendship day, I have decided to start a brand new, fresh start from the next day … a new life which would be free of my foolish emotions. And after waking up in the morning, I have started my day with a smile. And I am feeling good … I am happy that finally I have been strong, finally I have been able to start living only for myself. It is not being easy to change my life, my heart, my brain overnight … but I am leaving no stone unturned to make it happen. Thank you God for helping me all along … it has always been You Who has been my strength, my inspiration, my reason to live on.

ps: I really miss you, Ayreen …

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Phase III

I have actually been able to get rid of the blues. And I must admit I am quite surprised to see the output of my honest effort to forget about those things of my life which would have exhilarated me if they came in my life as I dreamt of but actually had been the reason of my pains, dilemma and guilty feelings for a long time. I can never be what I am not. I have removed all the “sad faces” I have been using as my display picture from the MSN. I have removed all the sad songs from the play list. I have removed every other thing … that may remind me of the things I want to forget. I have kept those that had to be there and I have been able to not feel bad whenever I glanced at them. I must admit at times, my heart has tried to betray … but I am happy I have been able to be strong enough to ignore everything just within a few seconds.

The best way to forget about the things that should not be remembered is to stay busy. And so in this long-waited yet painful holiday, I have joined GrameenPhone tentatively. I am not at all interested in continuing the job but I think it will help me forgetting the life I have buried during a deep slumber. The only good thing during those painful days was actually being selected in the interview of GrameenPhone. I was also called for an interview in Banglalink, another telecommunication company, but it turned out to be a real fun … lolz … they called me by mistake for a “full time” job which I cannot do by any means. Anyways, it was a good experience. GrameenPhone seems till now ok. It is feeling good to learn a lot of new things. The only bad part of the job is sometimes they make me sing … lolz … that is a part of the organizational culture … quite weird, huh?

Anyways, I believe I have made a quite huge entry this time and it may go way over your head at times too. But I really needed to let out … and I promise there will be no more whining from me concerning my “heart and emotions” and stuff any further … at least for next few months …

I am happy that my ReincarnatioN has been successful and from now on, I will be a new “me” ... living only for myself … :)

Stay well everyone … and keep SMILING! :)

Thank you ...

Thank you for coming to my life like a sudden wind of change.

Thank you for turning my whole world upside down.

Thank you for showing me a new meaning of life.

Thank you for giving me a life I haven't tasted before.

Thank you for changing my outlook towards life.

Thank you for bringing back my faith in people.

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Thank you for encouraging me to do the things I haven't dared to do before.

Thank you for showing me a way to express my untold feelings.

Thank you for giving me some wonderful memories to cherish all my life.

Thank you for being there not knowing you were healing my aching heart.

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Thank you for making me what I am now.

Thank you for helping me to have confidence in me.

Thank you for inspiring me to make the impossible possible.

Thank you for helping me in believing myself.

Thank you for giving me the courage to speak out.

Thank you for helping me in discovering my dormant traits.
Thank you for criticizing me that lead to my self-correction.
Thank you for helping me in self-realization.

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Thank you for letting me be your friend when you needed one.

Thank you for introducing me to a new dimension of affinity.

Thank you for giving me the honour to know about your dreams.

Thank you for giving me the dreams I dared not to dream before.

Thank you for the secret joy your simple words brought.

Thank you for letting me feel how it is to be in love.
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Thank you for gently breaking my heart into pieces.
Thank you for not understanding me which you easily could have.
Thank you for not being there when I needed you the most.
Thank you for ignoring me when I was waiting for you.

Thank you for the pains that have torn me apart.

Thank you for the tears that I have wasted away.

Thank you for the words that have ripped my heart.

Thank you for the sleepless nights when my eyes went dry.

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Thank you for making me strong enough to survive the heartaches.

Thank you for letting me learn how to go on no matter what happens.

Thank you for the loneliness that has been my best friend through thick and thin.

Thank you for making me understand life is not as it seems.

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Thank you ...

Thank you for being in my life ...

... without you I would never have been what I am ...

... as I am ...

"Are you NOT entertained ...?"

The days since my last entry were mostly like: sleepless nights, sleeping dawns and sleepy days ... even busy schedules made me bored and yawning. I tried to take some interviews of some garment workers with my groupmates for the "Business Research & Methods" course last week and managed to catch serious cold which was followed by fever, loss of appetite, loss of energy and enthusiasm ... I hate cold ... I hate coughing and blowing my nose ... I feel like cutting my nose off when I catch cold and everything seems quite irritating ... and I guess this mental state makes me kinda irritating to others too ... lolz

However, in spite of my feeling totally "oshojjhoooo" due to cold, the Friday night was awesome. A friend called in my cellphone in the afternoon and asked me to join him and his friend to watch Gladiator at Cineplex, Bashundhara City. I was hesitant because I was not feeling good physically. But in the end I decided to go thinking it would be a great change after long and I might start feeling better. I managed to reach there at around 6:45 making them waiting for me, God knows, for how long ... lolz.

My friend is one of the best and the most pleasant teasers of everyone I know. He told us that tickets were not available and we had to see "Hajar Bochor Dhore". I believed him and when the movie started at around 7:30 I laughed silently seeing the title of the movie. Man, he can be such a fun to be around ...

I have seen Gladiator earlier at HBO before but it is better to say I was just sitting in front of the TV staring at the screen blankly. I did not pay much attention and so failed to feel the movie or understand the story line at all ... One reason why I didn't care to manage a DVD and watch it at home before though it was an Oscar winner, and highly acclaimed, is that I do not feel comfortable watching any kind of violence at all on screen. Some of the scenes of Braveheart seemed really violent to me, and so I thought I would skip Gladiator assuming it is one of the same genre.

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Now I feel sorry for myself for missing for so long one of the greatest movies I have ever seen ... I LOVED Gladiator. In spite of the blood and the flesh and the smart indications of brutalities I cannot and could not tolerate, I loved this movie. I kept my eyes closed whenever there were any cutting-off scenes of body parts, but along the rest of the time, I wonder if I even ever blinked ...

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I do not know much about the technicalities of a movie; how I judge a movie is purely based on my likings for it, the feeling it generates inside me ... if the storyline touched me ... if the acting prowess of the performers affected me ... if the movie fulfilled its purpose ... etc etc ... and for Gladiator all these worked wonderfully. I loved the cinematography of the movie. The picturesque landscape and other settings were spectacular. Rich dialogues full of wonderful analogies and similes and drama are perhaps the biggest strength of the movie. Even the background scores were awesome ...

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The storyline of the movie is nothing I can relate to my own life ... but I could feel the lives of the characters, especially that of the protagonist - a life of pain and pride, a life of love and loss. I know I would have cried if I had watched this movie alone ... lolz ... yea, this is something I really do ... when I watch a good movie, I usually get so close with the characters that I often start to feel to be in their shoes and feel their emotions ... This time, it was difficult for me to suppress the tears - tears for Maximus, tears for his son, tears for his wife, tears for Lucilla ...

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After watching Gladiator and loving it, I asked many people I know about the movie ... and I was surprised to find out that I was not the only one who had not watched it still ... I asked them to watch it at once and guaranteed that they would love it if they watch a movie as if they are watching life, just as I do. Most of them think it is a 'maramari' film ... an action movie. But It is not a movie about war or action, it is a movie about the life of Maximus - a man who lost everything and was waiting to reunite with his family in the after life. So if you are also still left out, grab a ticket or a DVD ... trust me ... the money and the time spent will bring in much higher return that you will not be able to value ... and definitely you would not repent ...

Melancholy Moods ...

I hate it when I cannot write what I want to write. I want to write so many things now, I so want to lighten my heart ... but I will not be able to do that ... and so I am feeling worse. I am totally frustrated and depressed now ... even a few hours back I was not. Something happened in between, and now I am frustrated with myself. This is 7:21 am in the morning now. I have not slept at night and still sleep is far away from me. Even if it is not, I cannot feel it. It is difficult to go to sleep peacefully when you are so restless inside. Sometimes harmless simple statements can change your whole world giving you a realization that is hard for you to accept. However, I thank Allah because I have been finally able to realize this ... I guess if I would have been late, I would have messed up my life real bad. I actually already have done that to certain degree ... As it is said, whatever happens, happens for good ...

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Anyways, lets not start whining again. That's all I do in my blog. Now if anyone is interested to know how I have been last few days or even how my usual days are, you can visit my friend Ayreen's blog. What she writes is pretty much what I would have written about my everyday life if I did.

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Few days back, I tried to make an entry here because I was so moved by an incident I came to know from the newspaper. Anybody here knows about Mukhtaran Bibi? This pakistani woman was sentenced to rape in public because his younger brother befriended some rich elder woman. She fought back and hopefully, will succeed in getting those bustards punished for what they did. I really wonder in what kind of a world we live in. How can people even think of doing something so brutal, something that is not supported by humanity, religion or law?

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I am not much of a risk taker. I believe in taking calculative risks where the possibilty of getting my expected result is quite high. I have noticed that I am yet not that much comfortable with uncertainty in life though I have learnt to deal with it quite well and I have been successful in overcoming many uncertain situations. Still I am uncomfortable with uncertainties. It is probably becasue till now most of the major things of my life happened more or less in a way I knew they would be. I did not have to worry about getting into a college after my school secondary certificate exam. After my higher secondary, I managed to get admitted to the only school I applied in. Now that I am heading towards this December, when hopefully I would be done with my BBA, I have started to worry about my future. Fear of uncertainty and dream of a new life are juxtaposed in my heart.

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Now that I do not know where my life will be after this December, is enough for me to feel restless. Besides this, there is uncertainty considering my personal life too which is kind of driving me crazy. My parents were wanting me to get married this year. I had talked with them and made it clear to them that I do not want to even think about marriage before I have worked at least for a year. So that made, I thought, the marriage thingy delayed at least till 2007. But now it looks like my parents are not really willing to wait that long. Probably a war is going to start between them and me very soon. Lolz ... I need your blessings!

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However, I am highly confused about this marriage thing too. Though I have been thinking myself still a 'girl' for long, I have realized now (from others' attitudeds) I am actually in a danger age now. Everyone, from my parents to the neighbours to the family friends to the relatives, will now try to get me a good husband. I hate it so much at times - not all concerns are really appreciable. Anyways, I am more confused with whether to go for 'settled marriage' or to wait for 'something to happen'. At times I think, if I am going to marry the guy my parents will fix for me, why not marry now? or Just early next year? But a light of hope is there in my heart ... lolz ... and that tells me to wait. But tonight I have given it some serious thoughts ... and so you tell me ...

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Isn't it better to go for someone who loves you and wants you than to wait for someone you love who, you do not know, if loves you or not?

Know Thyself

I HATE myself because ...
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• I procrastinate
• I am unpunctual
• I am boring
• I take responsibilities
• I get too much involved in any relationship
• I value relationship too much
• I care too much
• I trust people too much
• I often act naive
• I cannot talk
• I cannot express
• I let other people yell at me
• I cannot place my arguments properly
• I lose arguments even if I am right
• I accept
• I expect
• I tolerate
• I am yet to learn to say "NO"
• I am vulnerable to love
• I forget and forgive too quickly
• I think others would do what 'I would have done'
• I do not doubt
• I am bad at buttering
• I am not an early riser
• I gain weight for whatever I eat
• I do not have self-confidence
• I spend a lot
• I think everyone in this world is good
• I care about what others may think
• I am a bad presenter
• I am often embarrassed of myself
• I am not smart
• I am a perfectionist

** This list is incomplete. This may be updated often. By the way, all of you are most welcome to add more to it - let me know what you hate about me or you think I should hate about myself. I need to figure out ...

Look Before YOU Leap

I have just lost a bet. It was impulsive, quick and meaningless ... and expensive ... lolz ... but I have no regret. It was quite funny and unexpected. And just after I lost it, I remembered someone had told me last night that "Always look before you leap." lolz ... quite coincidental I must say! However, I am not feeling bad probably because of the person to whom I have lost ... he finds great pleasure in teasing me and defeating me ... and for some strange reason, I find these quite pleasing for me too ... err ... weird, huh?

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Anyways, right now I am having some really boring days. No doubt I was longing for a holiday, but this 6 day holiday is not really being what I expected - two hartals, two government holidays, one friday ... Now for me, holiday is not really staying at home and relaxing; rather it is the opportunity to finish up my piled up works (not studies definitely :p). Two hartals have thrown some cold water in my plans. So has the government holiday.

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Well, something I did do in this holiday that I really loved. After long, I hanged out with my school buddies, my best friends. We went shopping and it was more than fun! Richi and Farin came to my place, and then we went to a particular shop of my choice where they have a really groovy collection of 'deshi' clothes at Chandni Chawk. The weather was at its best ... cloudy, no sun and sometimes it was drizzling ... just the way I love it. We bought sooooo many clothes and each was a good bargain. Our stomach was totally empty and so we hopped in Vagabond to have pizza. It was difficult for us to wait for the pizza to be served ... so we started lunching with French Fries. Trust me! Frenche fries never tasted so good. The pizza was lip-smacking as always ... the time spent was wonderful ... and when we parted finally I wished we stayed together a little bit longer ...

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Last night I was at my chhoto khala's place. Hers is the only place where I sometimes stay over. My parents are not really comfortable with my staying over at other places for any reason. We, all of my maternal cousins, usually have lots of fun at chhoto khala's place ... but last night don't know why I failed to get in the mood. Apart from my cousins, there was this bhaiya who used to be my chhoto khala's neighbour. I actually spent my time listening to him. He is all heart-brokern from a sad experience of his life and it was him who actually gave me that piece of wisdom among many ... "Look before you leap." Definitely I did not ... and I often do not ... and I suffer ...

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I always claim myself to be someone who does nothing without thinking. I have given this claim a thorough thought and I have realized it is not really true. May be for the bigger things in life this is true ... for something related to my career or studies or personal life ... but for everyday dealings it is so not true. How much do I really think before doing everything everyday? And how many times? This realization has actually made me feel so "dumb" ... all along I have thought I was being smart doing nothing without thinking ... and I was so wrong. All the small things of life make up the bigger ones and so I have actually ruined the bigger things in life everyday by not paying attention to the smaller ones. Foolish me ... insensible me ... but hey! don't they say its better not to be thoughtful always?

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God knows if from tomorrow I will start being 'always rational' at all or will go back being the same stupid pipsqueak ... but whatever I do I sure will remembr this well-known wisdom unlike many which has really some use for me ...

Crowded Isolation

I usually write when I am alone. Night is my favourite time for doing anything – especially writing. But now I am doing what I am not comfortable at all with – I am among lots of people and daylight is brushing my face. It is freezing here and I am literally quivering. It is really difficult to concentrate on what I am doing when people around are chattering, laughing, quarrelling, whining … but I have been wanting to write something here for a few days and could not manage time. Now ironically I have time, but I don’t have my PC. Yes, my boyfriend is sick again … :( … now the processor and the RAM are gone … O boy! What would I do without you …

I am going through a really bad phase now. When I have been able to clean up my immaterial messes, the problems of the material world has grabbed me. I have been having all these weird and pathetic problems since last Sunday. None of the problems are solvable and only can be accepted as they are. I wonder if God is angry with me for some reason or He is just taking some tests … whatever it is, these troubles had already caused me huge losses and more are to come! I am probably sounding whining since my last post … but I wish I had other things to write about …

This is being quite an experience for me. For the first time, I am not focused on what I am writing. I am now in the computer centre of my business school where I hardly pay a visit. I am working on a survey questionnaire simultaneously. My friends are often interrupting (they are welcome to interrupt!)… I am checking my mails … my stomach is screaming for food and I have no idea where I am going to stop … I had a midterm this morning at 8 and it was disastrous. Well, to be more specific, it was 100% confusing – all the choices seemed right. The good thing is all the faces were pale after the exam – and that brought back the colours of my face. :p

Last Thursday was “Pohela Boishakh” – the first day of the Bengali year 1412. It was awesome this time. The festive mood was everywhere; it was wonderful to observe everyone in white and red and other bright colours. I tried to enter Ramna Park at around 7 with my family but the queue was H-U-G-E! So we walked to Charukola Institue. I had my cheeks painted and from there went to Munia’s place. Her birthday party rocked! It was overall a good day … like a drop of nectar in my deserted life …

Amid many, still alone … this is how the seconds, minutes and hours of my life have become now. Sitting in one corner being alienated is one thing, and sitting in the centre of a crowd, laughing with them and still being recluse is another. No body knows I am not with them, no body knows what I am doing inside … I am being me, with my own life that I never would be able to talk about … Thanks God! There was something called writing … :)

Comfortably Numb ...

Since the time I have known the meaning of the word "numb" i have been wondering how it might feel to be numb or numbed - in the sense that you are deprived of any feelings. Now if you have the same question, I guess you can ask me. I can provide you with an answer. To be numbed, is to feel nothing - simply nothing. It is like feeling this world does not matter to you anymore. It is like feeling no one else exists in this world except for you. It is like feeling no one or nothing have anything to do with your life. I wonder if it is really a comfortable state ... it does not seem comfortable at all answering to ... "Can you show me where it hurts?"

...

I have been going through one of my worst times of my life ever for a few days. I have been busy, and I have been messed up - a totally awful combination for the state of life. When someone cared so much cares a fu*k about you, it damn fu*king hurts. When someone you want to speak your heart out to does not listen to you, you feel worthless. When someone you love so much does not trust you, it aches ... when these and many other things like these happen together probably then you get numbed.

...

I was angry and I was sad. I was in wrath and I was in pain. And after crossing a line, now I feel nothing ... I have lost the power of feeling. However, I still have some feelings of surprise left - I wonder how I cannot differenciate anymore among the things that are happening in my life and how I fail to react. I have always considered myself to be a good real life actress, and thanks Lord I was not wrong. My acting prowess is helping me getting me along with life now. I don't know what I would have done otherwise.

...

I had no intention of writing this blog. I don't like to talk about the shitty things of my life. But this time I guess I have got overloaded, and I understand I am writing this now on the spur of the moment, out of the extreme mental pressure difficult to handle alone anymore. Probably I would repent later for writing this blog. Anyways ... if anyone is reading this bullshit at all, I am sorry ...

...

Now here are a few words from a song I like, the song I am listening over and over now. It is not really soothing me, but instigating me to feel some pain instead ... well, it is just an honest effort of me to be Human again. After all, without any feelings, is there any worth at all to be a human?

...

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

...

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now ...

They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

Nostalgia ...

I was reading a blog a while ago which always gives me the feeling that I am reading my future. Interestingly, when I go through the posts, I feel nostalgic … nostalgic about the things that still have not happened in my life. Sounds spooky, ehhh? But for me it is quite a regular phenomenon because I think too much about the days that are yet to come and during my thoughts, I often even feel the pains and the happiness that my future may or may not offer. When I say I am a perfect embodiment of contradictions … this is one of the things I have in my mind. I am a dreamer and still 100% realistic!

When I think about my future, don’t know why … it often takes a sad turn! I end up feeling sad … not seeing the people I want to be in my future. It is funny that it is never any material thing that is not there, it is always someone! I always say what I value most in life is relationship, and probably that’s why my inner fear always makes me worried thinking of my loved ones not being there …

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I passed the whole day sitting in front of my study table, studying for the retake of a midterm I missed due to illness. And now I regret not watching the “Valentine” special shows on different TV channels because the retake has been postponed. Even if I had not to study, I would have nothing else to do other than watching TV or movies … another valentine’s day of my life … wasted … not celebrating love … may be I should have bought something for my mother – the love of my live! :)

I have had a wonderful day after long on the 13th. It was the first day of spring … and I enjoyed it to the most in spite of the meaningless class and the boring presentation session I had to attend. What I enjoyed most was visiting the Saraswati Puja festival at Jagannath Hall. The idols were wonderfully made … though I didn’t understand the Hindu rituals much, but the festive mood really elated me.

Going back to the mood I started with … I am not much of a person who sighs and says – gone are the good old days … I do not shade tears over my past; reminiscing is not really one of my favourite task. Rather I often pass my time by walking inside my room in circle and dreaming about my future. I may sound funny, but this is really my most favourite way of taking a break! Hmm … so I am futuristic! And, my simple reasoning ability says that’s what everyone should be … not pondering over the past, but designing the future … but hey! Still being nostalgic about things yet to happen is weird … lolz …

I am still quite in a good mood of writing but still I should go to sleep now. I have a long day ahead tomorrow … the schedule is totally packed. This is what I hate most about life and about being sensible and practical – we often back out and don’t get to do the things that we want to do most. A few hours ago I so wanted to do some thing and I didn’t and a mixed feeling of suffocation and despair grabbed me. Probably that feeling extended to my current kinda nostalgic state… Life can be such a pain at times …

etc.

My last post has generated interesting reactions from my friends who sometimes pass by my blogs. Interestingly, all those came from my male friends, and half of them think I was nagging! But .. hello ... those were not my words!! I just compiled in one imaginary letter the ideas my female friends with a boyfriend have delivered me. I was just trying to be in their shoes ... and I must admit I failed. I totally failed to realize how is it possible that everyone was coming up with the same complaint. I am just wondering is it just because of the common features of the mental make-up of the girls and the boys. May be boys just tend not to understand what the girls mean by attention or what they are really asking for. May be girls fail to make them understand or may be they are just to sensitive about every little things between them. Whatever it is ... let love rule ...

Thanks to 'anonymous' for his/her wonderful comments. I too believe that love does not need reason ... and may be that is why they keep complaining and whining and still hanging on to the relationship with ardour ...

Anyways, I had to remove the clock I had set up in this blog, because while pasting the code for it, I probably have messed up (as goes my nature ...) and from then on, the 'comments' sections of my blog became unaccessible. I simply loved the clock and probably I am going to set it up again, with the help of my dear friend Ambar who did it for me the previous time. I am still way too far from getting the hang of this html thingy ...

I had this terror exam yesterday and I am happy I am done with it. I simply have no idea what might be my grade for this course, but I am exhilarated with the fact that I perhaps won't ever have to do finance anymore ... teachers do have a lot to do with the impression on a course material and I must say both of the teachers I had with my finance courses failed drastically ... and I finally I have stepped out of my strong intention to major in finance ...

One of my friends, was extremely happy that an F in this course would make me his junior! And this is what has been bugging me for last seven days as an F might make me graduate a year later and I freaked out! Out of such tension, I had been doing weird things and I even have once taken food in the wrong side of the plate last wednesday ... lolz ...

Anyways ... my exam was much better than I had worriedly anticipated and could have been better if I could have cheated! Who sat beside me during the exam is probably the only one who is going to score 100% and he practically tried to show me his copy ... and once I glanced at his copy, I just got lost in those numbers ... GOD! Why on earth am I good at nothing ... not even at cheating?

Letter to YOU ...

I do not want gifts from you, I do not want ur calls every five minute in my cell phone, I do not want you always to kiss me, to hug me or to say romantic words to me ... I want only one thing from you, something I have always wanted from you, something I have never been able to make u understand ... ATTENTION ... this is all I want from u ...

I understand you are under stress, I understand you dont feel well, I understand you are depressed ... that's why I never expect you to be a typcial boyfriend ... but even under your such bad state is your little attention too much to ask?

Sometimes I feel perhaps I am asking too much ... I try to ignore the little things that hurt me ... but I hope you'll understand ... it is not always easy to ignore, to compromise ... I understand you have taken me for granted as a part of your life ... may be tht's why you dont bother doing the little things that mightl give me some happiness ... I understand ... but still ... my heart doesnt always want to listen ...

I am a part of ur life ... but to keep the bondage always the same strong needs a few things from both of us dont u think? Sometimes I feel like we have become 'habits' to each other ... it seems we call each other because we have to ... we kiss each other because we are supposed to ... we hug each other becasue we need to ...

I feel a rush for u in my body and soul ... but your response does not always seem like the way I feel for you ... I feel bad ... I feel worse thinking may be I am thinking too much ...

A little 'hello' mail from you is more than enough to make me smile ... you'll never understand how it feels to be ignored ... how it feels to be disheartened every time I open my inbox expecting you have replied ... I wonder if I had ever made you feel this way ... for all these years, I have tried not to complain, I have tried to accept the things the way they are, I have tried to change myself for you ... but I guess I haven't done enough ...

anyways … I dont know whether you are reading this mail anymore … sometimes u seem so tired with my words … or may be I am just thinking too much ... may be I am just feeling insecured ... or may be ... ...

** If I had a boyfriend, I perhaps would have been writing a letter like this now. Some of my friends and their love life have inspired me to write this letter to the unknown someone who could have been in my life ... I wonder why at one point of time in a relationship one always complains about lack of attention ...

Rest in Peace

Like everyone else on this planet, around 100,000 people were also waiting for the next thing to happen in their lives. What came was perhaps the least expected, or not expected at all to any of them – a wave came, and along came death.

Natural disaster is perhaps what makes us aware of the suddenness and the inevitability of death most of all. We live everyday hoping for the next moment to come, and we never expect death to be the next one in the line. Every time an earthquake or a cyclone hits, the loss of lives always give me this weird, mixed feeling of fear and shock about the meaning of life and the meaninglessness of everything we do.

I have this philosophy about life, judging on which many think I am a pessimist, though actually in nature I am completely opposite. I believe everything we do is just because we have nothing else to do before death comes. Just sitting and waiting for death for years is boring, and so we do things to pass the journey with some excitement and experience. Still, this sudden surrender to death frightens me – no matter how much I philosophize, the realization that my house just may go beneath the ground while I am typing freaks me out.

When I was a child, I often prayed to God that He let me see none of my loved one’s death – so that I die before I had to bear the pain of the demise of any of my loved ones. But at the same time, I thought I was being selfish not considering my parents’ pain at my death – what a difficult dilemma for a child to be in! Then I decided an earthquake might be a solution – we all would die together. The thought of leaving this world with my loved ones gave me this feeling of peace and relief – and now I wonder if I would really feel that when I will be on the verge of dying amid the building breaking, the earth cracking, the trees crashing … will this innocent thought really pacify me or will I be trying to save myself forgetting everyone else?

I wish I knew if I would be able to be there beside my parents’ deathbeds, or if they would have to be beside mine. I wish I knew if I could bid my loved ones good bye with my prayer or if they would have to do that instead.

“I might not be here tomorrow
To pray for you
So pray for me
And let me pray for you
Rest in peace all of you
Who are already there
And who are now here …”

Rest in peace everyone – whoever has already died, whoever will die before me, whoever will die with me and whoever will die later …

The Party!

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This time I have assigned the Prince with a homework to come up with a write-up about our Eid get together. I am sure I will have to accept a delayed submission, but till then here is a collage of all of us who were there that day. The pictures are cut from different photos (Thanx to Zico) that were taken that day in the party.

The Homework

I have been assigned by a Prince to write about my first date with him and his mates . Well, like always I have been late in doing so, but also like always I am doing it at last. This is for you Rajputro. :)

I have always thought that there is a very thick line between the virtual and the real life. I never really expected the people I met over internet to come to my real life as well. However, there is this one person who made me believe at last that these two worlds can merge wonderfully and I am thankful to him. He made me realize it is not frightening at all to know the person I know so well virtually in real life and it only paves the way of the affinity.

From then on, I have started to feel easier with my online buddies and I am lucky that I found some truly good ones whom I without any hesitation wanted to bring in my real life. And that's why I felt that they deserve a treat on my birthday just like my other friends do. On October 12, nearly one month after my birthday I arranged for a small pizza party in my most favorite pizza joint 'Vagabond' at 3:30 in the afternoon. Pratanu, Shafi and Shaon were my guest of honours. My real life friend Ayreen was also included in the party as she was a part of this Hi5 (as named by Shafi) too! :) Medhad, my another online friend, was also hoped to join us but he could not make it due to his classes.

Ayreen and I decided to meet a littler earlier in the joint so that we could do a little 'masti' with Pratanu. Shafi and Shaon had seen our pictures already. So we wanted to confuse Pratanu and we did! :D That was perhaps the most fun part of the whole date.

Pratanu and Shafi came together and I found Pratanu way too cuter and Shafi way to sweeter than I expected from seeing their images. By the way, Shafi is my twin and I dont think that is visibly understandable in any way. :$ He is 6'3'', I am 5'1''. lolz ... Pratanu reminded me instantly of bugs bunny. I so gave him a testimonial at Orkut later that day calling him Bugs Bunny - sweet and mischievous. Mischievous he is - all along! However, getting Pratanu all confused and making him believe Ayreen was me, was real fun!

Shaon is the late minister (so am I btw; my punctuality sucks!). He called Shafi when he was already with us. Shafi told him that he would be late and requested Shaon to wait for him outside the joint so that they could meet and join us together. Shaon came some 30 minutes late and he really waited for Shafi outside. lolz ... Shaon was just the way I knew he would be - simple and very down to earth.

I am quite a boring person and so I know I probably disappointed them to much extent because I do not talk even half as much as I do on Internet. Still, I think as a starting it was not bad at all because my previous experience was worse. I probably looked funny enough saying nothing but always smiling but that is what I do best. :P

Our rendezvous went on till around half past five. With all those scrumptious slices of my favourite 'Four Seasons' pizza, bottles of drinks, silly talks, laughters and hidden glances (obviously meant to scrutiny each other ;) ), time flew away making another huge step in my making a bondage between my real and virtual life.

As I bade them good-bye and walked away form them, I so badly wanted to look back, but I did not. A look back is from the fears of the possibility of not meeting again. But I know I will keep meeting them. Only in a little more than a month's time they have become a part of my life and I want to keep them that way till my last breathe. I don't know where life will take me, but I so badly pray and hope that wherever I go, they stay for me there always!

WTH!

I thought I gathered some stamina and enthusiasm to start blogging again. Looks like I was wrong. I again vanished for seven days. I thought about blogging and set the idea aside the next minute. Something is very wrong with me. I am always not in the mood. What the hell!

Well! I tried to think of how can I make my blogging more frequent. May be I can write tidbits from my life everyday. But that was not really what I had in my mind when i agreed to start a blog. I thought it would be something like my mind's mirror. The things that come to my mind and I say to none are what I intended to write. But now I am so messed up with such unspoken stuff that I guess I dont even know from where to start. God! I am all messed up.

Do I seem whining? Shit! Something is definitely wrong with me. This cannot be me. Let me change this image of the super whining - super messy me. I even cant tolerate myself like this. :O

Mmm ... may be now I will try hard to come up with something normal - sth like the usual me. Lets see what I do this time!

I hope I am back ...

Its been a little more than 3 months since I last made a blog entry. Have I really been that busy to write some words? My business school was actually closed for around one month! So, I am supposed to have more than enough free time for frequently blogging, but I just wasn't in the mood of writing. Things happen - good and bad. And this things often change the me inside me.

Ok! I am talking rubbish! lolz, the thing is that I am actually feeling like writing after a long time. And I wish I will feel more like writing. I dont want this blog to die. Lets see what I do in the next few days.

My Boyfriend

Ok, now if u r looking here for a story of my love life, as in the story of my human boyfriend, I am sorry to disappoint you. I am single, not committed to anyone and see no chance of being hooked up in next six months. Still, I titled this post like that because about whom or what I am going to write works quite well as a boyfriend for me ... hmmm ... kinda proxy boyfriend you can say ... :D

Some two weeks ago when I returned to my PC after my lunch, I found him sick. I tried to wake him up over and over, but in vain. He went into a deep coma, suddenly leaving me totally helpless. I called up a few people who might help, and after talking to them tears nearly ran down my chin, as the signs of his sickness seemed really chronic to all of them. I passed one sleepless night, wondering what might have been wrong with him. The next day as I had someone at my place to check him out, I came to know that most of his organs were dead - the motherboard, the RAM, and the VGA card. Later, the Hard Disk was also added to the list. I was struck by a lighting as the thought of living without him grasped me.

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Well, it took me two days to get the organ transplants done. Now I have him with me again even in a better condition. However, I cannot forget my days without him. I was literally broken - I was reacting to everything everyone was saying, I suddenly started acting like a first rate moron (well, I am usually not a first rate at least ... :D), I was looking like total shit ... I was all screwed up!! I realized how much I am involved with him and how hard it is living without him. Well, I am not willing to draw any conclusion whether this dependence is good or whatever ... but I certainly will share my surprising discovery - I don't really have any time for a boyfriend! Whenever I have free time I don't jump into the couch and watch TV or hang out madly with friends. As soon as I reach home, I switch on my PC before even getting fresh. My heart breaks when he does not respond. I feel pissed off when he does not do what I want him to do. I pass sleepless nights when he is not there. Hmm, don't you think these signs seem familiar?

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So, yea, I am single, yet committed ... Committed to my PC, committed to treat him well, committed to take good care of him, committed to make sure he is not sick ... Committed because I cannot live without him! Damn, yes, I love him!!

An iota of romance!!

Just in 4 hours from now I have the course final on Marketing. I definitely should be studying now, but for some strange reason I am feeling quite restless. Every time I watch Notting Hill, it leaves me with a little 'out of the world' feelings ... ok, yea, I am vulnerable to these lovey-dovey stuff ... but I think I am more hypnotized with the 'fairy tale' touch of this movie. I believe majority of the people of the world have for once dreamt of a LOVE like that in their life ... I too keep dreaming ... well, not about being married to a Hollywood star ... but about having a love that I will cherish all my life ... a love that will not quote any other fairy tale.

I was actually going to write about my idea of romantic situations. Ignore that sleazy introduction! Now, my idea of romantic situations are very simple and too related with everyday dealings. I do not really long for a perfect date with champagne, candle light and dancing. I definitely would love to lie under the moon and count stars holding HIS hand ... but I would rather look for tiny romantic moments everyday. Here is one example of my silly ideas of romantic moments.

There is this one movie where the He and the She have a fight over the sexy model who keeps calling Him and drooling over Him. After the steamy quarrel, the She sits silently without a word, and the He starts looking for something desparately everywhere in the room, but in vain. After a few moment, the She, being curious and definitely concerned, asks "What are you looking for?" The He instantly replies, "Found it!! Was looking for your voice!"

Malena

I have been listening about the movie "Malena" for long. Monica Bellucci is a Goddess and so I was waiting to see this movie. Damn, she is hot!!! I loved her in Matrix. Whatever I have been hearing about this movie was more or less controversial ... all the discussions were always revolving around the nudity of this movie ... so I was not really quite sure of what to expect from it. Finally, I borrowed the DVD from a friend and watched it last night. After the movie was over, I loathed all who regarded this movie only as a show of Monica's bare body.

Malena is a masterpiece. Those who think "Ek chotisi love story" is the Indian version of this movie are wrong like hell. In no way, "Ek chotisi ... " can be measured to Malena. Malena is about a woman's life seen through a teenger's eyes. I could feel the pain of Malena as she turns into a prostitute from a faithful widow due to her environment. There were definitely some awkward events ... but those were not what "Malena" was about. Don't be fooled with Washington Post's comment "GENUINELY EROTIC". It is not; it is in fact quite a touchy movie with the emotions and the courage often experienced in real life.

You can try this movie if you have a taste in the so-called 'serious' movies like me. Please, do not consider it as a hot, erotic movie ... because it's not ...

Midterms are over!!

Huh ... breathe of relief ... finally my midterms are over ... whew ... and now I have a three days holiday. Man, I was so choked ... and was soooo craving for at least a day when I wont have to think about my studies ... finally I get to relax!!!

now I have sooo many things to do within 3 days ... gotta watch some dvds that I have bought b4 months but cudnt manage to watch ... poor me!! gotta cook for my cousins who will be dining at my place this friday ... gotta take preparation for the one-dish party tomorrow ... gotta clean up a few messes - both material and immaterial ;) ... gotta do something with myself ... I look like shit after one month's complete sloppiness :D ... the list continues ...

looks like I gotta prioritize ... man, 3 days is soooo small a time ... still will try to get some real fun out of these days ...

guess will be blogging more frequently tooo ... :D

ciao!!

Exams suck!!!

Great ... I am doing my BBA (bachelor of business administration) ... right now in my 5th semester and hope to graduate by December 2005 ... I sometimes feel great thinking of the possible bright career (daydreaming, got it? :P) I would pursue ... I can see my dream car in the driveway of my dream house ... ahh feels great ...

but what I don't feel great about is what I am going through right now to make sure that those daydreams might become a reality ... hey don't think I am making some philosophical remarks ... its just that I am sick n' tired of giving exams at a stretch for nearly a month ... my friends of other disciplines keep asking 'exams over?' and I keep telling them 'no, still ** more to go' ...

every time I think, 'ok only one more to go', another exam is scheduled ... (definitely, forget the pop quizzes!!!) ... if not exams, presentation or reports or some other assignments are always there ... man, I am freaking tired or what ... I am stressed and sometimes I feel like I will be panicked ... I still have 2 more exams scheduled and my friends are mad at me, cos I always have an exam as my excuse for not attending a party or sth ... I feel horrible cos I love partying and I don't wanna miss the fun!!! :'(

Damn, Exams!!!!
they suck, don't they?

Prelude

I am someone who feels more comfortable with writing when it comes to express my thoughts and feelings. So, this blog thing is probably going to work very well for me. Lets see how much it helps me to speak my mind ...

Thanks to Medhad for dragging me here. He is one of the most persuasive characters I have ever met in my life ... he even has convinced a sluggish person like me to be a little active :D

And also thanks to Zico, though he has no idea why I am thanking him. His blogs have really helped me a lot to understand this whole thing.

So ...

Be a part of my new odyssey ... Bon Voyage!!